Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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