i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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