Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize