hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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