Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
