So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
