hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
