I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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