Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
