i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
