Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize