New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
