she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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