Already got asked if we're dating
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
