whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize