just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
