he told me I talked like a deaf person
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
