peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
