i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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