Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dear god my vagina.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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