I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just had sex on a roof
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
