I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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