Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize