Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
