it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
