I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
