Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
