Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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