We won't sleep together?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
