He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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