just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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