the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
