It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
