I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
