Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
