i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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