nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
