Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
