the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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