I want to make a zoo with you.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
