Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
