A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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