I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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