New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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