Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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