birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
