That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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