You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
