Screwed.edu
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
