i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
