Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
