I accidentally had phone sex last night
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
