Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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