...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
