Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
